


Was I worth it?

by peacelight



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Post-Credits Scene, Civil War Fix-It, FIx It, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, civil war spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 01:44:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6833710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacelight/pseuds/peacelight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a conversation that takes place between Steve and Bucky during the civil war post credit scene a scene I felt was missing, which ultimately leads to Bucky reconsidering his options.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Was I worth it?

There was peace on top of the mountain, or so T’Challa told him. Bucky could use some peace. 

Bucky sat next to the windows looking across the valley, he glanced at the giant panther statute T’Challa never was one for subtly, why would his people be either. 

Bucky heard Steve’s footsteps, only a few days together, but Bucky had them memorized. The closer Steve got, the stronger his scent got, Bucky wondered how he had ever forgotten it. Steve sat down next to him without a word. 

Bucky hadn’t felt that sort of comfort in so long, just Steve’s presence was enough for him. He had stayed away for so long, at the time he had thought it was the best option. Bucky wasn’t the man that Steve wanted him to be, he would never be again. How was he supposed to tell him that his best friend really was dead, and in his place was a broken man, not worth any of the sacrifices that Steve had given to him. If Bucky was honest, he didn’t want to admit it, because the way that Steve looked at him, oh God, Bucky wished he was able to earn that look. 

“What are you thinking about Buck?” Steve asked after a moment. Sometimes Steve would just sit down and stare at him, Bucky had noticed that ever since the quinjet. 

Bucky assumed he had expected him to talk. Bucky wasn’t so good at talking anymore.

“I think I should go under again, for a while.” Bucky said softly, unable to meet Steve’s stare, he didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes; the pain. It would be too much.  
“Why?” Steve asked. It was so simple, but in his voice Bucky could hear the pain. 

“Because the things that Hydra did to me, they are still in my head. I am a time bomb, I could go off again, and I can’t hurt anyone else.” Bucky said. “I can’t live with anymore death on my hands.”

“Who says it’s on your hands?” Steve asked with such righteousness. “Tony was wrong, the government is wrong.”

“Steve, I still did those things. Howard was our friend, he said my name, as I killed him…I just…I can’t….I am so afraid.” Bucky sighed. Steve could never understand. Maybe that was a good thing, Steve should be protected for the horrors that Bucky committed.

“You are allowed to be afraid Bucky. Look I will support any decision you make, but something I have learned is that you cannot make decisions based on fear, fear cannot control you.” Steve said with such earnest, he lived in a world in which things were that simple. Bucky didn’t see that anymore. 

“You are only saying this…you only did this because you think I am the Bucky you knew.” And I let you, Bucky thought. How could he let Steve give up so much for him? He was not worth any of it. Bucky still saw how easily Steve dropped his SHIELD, he almost killed his friend. Bucky knew that it weighed on Steve, Bucky had seen it. They had gotten to Wakanda, and Bucky watched Steve wipe tears from his eyes. That was his fault. It was all his fault. Steve was worse of because Bucky was back in his life, he had lost too much.

Steve turned his body towards him. “Look at me Buck, I know you aren’t the same as you were before Hydra, neither am I, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t worth protecting, that doesn’t mean you deserve to die for crimes you had no choice but to commit. God, Bucky you are worth something, okay, you are worth everything to me.” 

Bucky looked up, and the sincerity on Steve’s face was soul crushing, how could he disappoint him? He had to make Steve see reason. 

“Listen to me Steve, when Hydra…when…I…I could remember parts of it….” Bucky struggled to describe what happened, Steve just waited as Bucky collected his thoughts, they had been so scattered for so long, but Steve was just so fucking patient. “When they started with the arm, and the experiments, I thought I would die but I lived, they tried the whole propaganda route, it didn’t quite work.” 

Bucky could still remember the sensation of the table, the first of many arms they had fitted him with, how the doctors tried to describe Hydras vision. 

“Then…then…new technology had come around…they couldn’t destroy all my memories, that would make me useless…but they figured out this…this way to stop long term memories…all I was able to remember… was the mission….then it would go dark, or there would be pain. If I was left out too long the older things might come back…they didn’t let that happen.”

Bucky felt the ghost of his arm twitch, for a moment it was still there. With a steadying breath Bucky continued his story, trying to ignore the look of pain of Steve’s face, knowing this story was hurting him. 

“I…I was still there…I think….I remember the kills…they wanted me to like it….Pierce talked about it…the more violence you see the better you are at…the more you are supposed to like it...” Bucky felt the tear slide down his cheek, he kept seeing the faces of his victims. They were the innocent ones not him. He should have stopped it. 

“I was screaming in the back of my mind, but over the years, I just…if you didn’t comply it hurt, God Steve it hurt, but I didn’t keep fighting, I gave up.” Bucky felt Steve’s hand on his shoulder, it was a comfort he didn’t deserve. Steve pulled him closer, until Bucky gave in and let Steve comfort him. 

“So Hydra spent decades breaking you, manipulating you, controlling what you could and could not remember and on top of that they conditioned with unbelievable physical pain, but you still think you are responsible?” Steve had a fire in his voice, Bucky knew in that moment that if anyone related to the Winter Soldier project met Steve he would kill them; that much was clear. 

“I…I just don’t….Steve I didn’t kill you….I killed the rest…” Bucky didn’t know how to phrase it. It had been weighing on him for so long. “If I could stop with you – I should have stopped with the others.” 

“You fought back Buck, after decades you started to get yourself back that is not a sign that you are a monster, but that you are still here, the best parts of you are still here. Bucky you don’t have to be the same person you were, but you, the real you is still here. And I promise you we will help you get better.” Steve said. “I won’t let anyone hurt you again, not ever.” 

“Tell me why Steve. How can you think that I am worth all of this?” Bucky needed to understand. He had too. 

“That’s a simple answer. If the tables were turned you’d do the same.” Steve said with certainty. “If Hydra had done one tenth of the things they did to you, to me, they would not have survived.” 

Bucky knew if anyone touched Steve he would kill them, he had tried, he almost killed Tony he was trying to. Bucky leaned into Steve, the quite sobs came out. Steve just held him, in his warm safe arms. Bucky felt as if he was home for the first time in almost 80 years.

The years he spent on his own, clawing at his memories Steve was a constant. Captain America wasn’t who he remembered, but this tiny little blonde who could never stay out of a fight. The way he would laugh, the crinkle in his eyes when he smiled, so many of his memories were of him. The moments when Steve would be on the ratty sofa, clinging to Bucky, that was peace, Bucky was sure that was peace. It was too good to be true, but in this moment maybe it was all true, maybe his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him.

“You deserve to be loved, to be safe, and Bucky listen to me Captain America, the Avengers, all of it doesn’t mean shit, if I don’t have you. I always had nothing but you, and I was never as happy as I was when I was with you.”

Bucky slowly nodded. “I remember a lot, sometimes I wonder if what I remember is true, or if I hoped it was true.”

“All you have to do is ask. I remember everything Bucky, every moment with you.”

“I think I loved you.” Bucky said. Now Steve was the one with tears in his eyes. 

“I…I loved you too.” Steve said, holding back the tears with a smile. “And Buck, I still do, I will always love you.”

“Always were a sappy punk.” Bucky hoped he said it right, he remembered that always made Steve laugh, Steve should laugh not cry. 

Steve couldn’t help but laugh, a few tears came through though, and “You could always ruin the moment jerk.”

For the first time in almost 80 years, Bucky Barnes laughed in Steve Rogers arms.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for any mistakes its not beta'd. If it wasn't clear Bucky changes his mind about Cyro. Anyways I just want these two to be happy.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the fic, I truly hated the post credit scene. I love to hear feedback, I am on tumblr charlserik :)


End file.
